You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
