Just took my morning after pill in the library
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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