whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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