My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
