then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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