some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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