i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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