I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
