I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
two words...techno handjob
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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