I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
