he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
