I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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