Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
