Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
