I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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