it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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