i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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