The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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