I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
