so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
