i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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