You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Of course I have a pirate flag
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
