You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
