Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
