Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
