im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
