meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
