There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
