ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
