Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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