I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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