i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I faked an abortion last night.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
