im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
