weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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