She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
