Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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