After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Who died my cat blue again?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
