Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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