i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
