I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize