I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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