is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
