I think i peed on brittanys purse
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
