I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
