I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
