Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
