i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Why are your pants in the freezer?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
