Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
