omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
