Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My feet surprised me
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