$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
