dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
