Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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