So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
