Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize