Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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