I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
