Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
