p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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