I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
